


somehow I got right where I know I'm supposed to be

by Laeana



Series: σh darling, we were meant to be. [5]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Childhood "Trauma", Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Fear, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28031298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: Nico never had any soulmark.At his birth, following the thirty years of his life, he understood that he was destinated to belong to no one.He would just have liked to get used to it.
Relationships: Nico Hulkenberg/Kevin Magnussen
Series: σh darling, we were meant to be. [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019431
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	somehow I got right where I know I'm supposed to be

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [hopeless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25880815) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



> featuring : The Moment by Saint Motel

The truth, nothing but the real truth.

Nico hates the fucking life he leads. In reality, he has nothing concrete against his life but he has something against fate. He has something against this instance of feelings that are glued to them and those dreams that they are supposed to have in their heads from childhood.

Dreaming about who is for them. Dreaming about their soul mates. Oh my god, all these stories about love, real love, the one with a capital "L", the worthy, worth all those years of miserable existence.

The one that is supposed to light up your everyday life, make you happy and make you feel complete. The one who will not be able to disappoint you, whom you will know once. Whose encounter will be the best day of your life and whose loss the most horrific, darkest day of your life.

Six-year-old little Nicolas doesn't understand this whole story because where is his mark? He doesn't have one, he doesn't have any anywhere, and he sees all his comrades approaching them proudly, but him whether it's his wrist, his hip, his side, his knee, his body, there's nothing.

He doesn't understand and it's sadness that overwhelms him.

Pity.

That kind of thing.

Indignant at fate, he grows up into an angry teenager. He puts his efforts into the race and somehow finds himself gifted in it. Motorsport. He would never have thought that-

When he would stop-

This anger, this pain, this sadness-

Would come back so fast.

He has nothing left to bring out those feelings. It's very weird, it's so weird. It occupied such a part of his life. It's his career. That he must now watch on TV. He must live knowing that no one will be his and that he will belong to no one. Forever.

It's strange too, because he would never have described himself as someone who wanted to belong. To a place, to someone. And yet there he is. With regrets.

Regrets are quite human, it's also the mark, the proof that we have lived.

He doesn't want to die unhappy, but he doesn't know where he is. He doesn't know if he will find his soulmate even though he has no mark. He doesn't know if he can.

And he feels like he lost his chance to do so.

Nico has always had this bond with Kevin. That connection and, if he didn't have any marks, he almost might have thought it was because they were meant to be together.

Their rivalry, the constant fire around them ... which has always pushed them to try to be better, to do better and which, sometimes of course, caused incidents but which founded the bases of their relationship. Closest thing to a soulmate to his eyes.

He's just sure Kevin has a mark. He's sure he has one because, in light of the jokes, light words he said whenever the topic was brought up. This assurance, which he never had when it was in the discussion, of which he quickly lost interest or which he always managed to sweep without too much difficulty with a feigned indifference, which shines in the eyes of the Danish.

And that hurts.

Either way, he probably won't be seeing Kevin again anytime soon. He is realistic. Other than if he makes it to a GP, there is not much chance that they will cross paths and it isn't sure that the youngest one will be happy to see him anyway.

Neither of them will admit that they missed the other. It's the war.

When winter testing takes place, he spends his time ... elsewhere. He is entertained. He does everything to make his desire to turn on the TV and switch to the right channel fade away and disappear completely. He doesn't want to hurt himself. He doesn't want to feel bad again about what has been done and what has not been.

When that ends and he's back in Monaco, he feels able to breathe again. He's trying to program on this emptiness, on all this free time that he suddenly has and maybe he could pay his parents a visit. He guesses it couldn't be that bad.

Someone is knocking on the door.

He is not expecting anyone today. Is that supposed to scare him ? He's asking himself. Really. His curiosity takes over and since he has nothing better to do anyway, he's going to open up.

Kevin is standing behind the door, suitcase at his feet, looking a little tired, appearing to come straight from Spain.

— Kevin? he ventures gently, because he finds it hard to believe it.

The Danish man smiles almost shyly to him and it doesn't look like them.

— Hey, Nico, can I come in?

He pulls away, nodding, although he doesn't quite understand what is going on. Damn it.

— What are you doing here ? Surely you had better things to do than-

To come and see me.

But those words never pass his lips because the pilot has already stepped forward, cutting him off.

— I needed to see you.

These words break down a barrier deep inside him. Something. A wall he built. To leave F1 with his head held high, without batting an eyelid, without looking back, without shedding a single tear and yet-

Hearing Kevin say that breaks everything.

It reminds him of the pain, the bitterness, because, yes, he would have liked to stay longer too. Even if that is not what ultimately happened. His wishes were not heard.

Nico runs a hand over his face, rubs his eyes painfully. Not coping well with these emotions.

— Why ? I do not understand ...

The Danish gently closes his eyes, inhaling deeply before opening them again, establishing contact with delicacy.

— Because I missed you.

He shivers.

— Shit, it's true. I missed you ! I didn't think … I really didn't think about how this year was going to be until I got the proof in front of me. Fuck, Nicolas.

Hearing his full name from his mouth is oddly pleasant. He goes from surprise to surprise and then- then the younger's embrace closes on him and he feels good.

So good.

For the first time since the end of last season, he doesn't feel ashamed of feeling the way he is. Because he has the right in a way. He has the right to feel hurt, he has the right to feel bad. At the end of the day, no matter how he leads it, he's no longer a pilot after all.

— Kevin, you ... you're an idiot.

He's got his face buried in the jacket Kevin didn't even take care to take off. He can breathe his cologne from here and it's familiar.

— I know. We're both idiots.

The youngest one kisses his cheek and they stay in the same position, standing in the middle of his living room, for a little too long. When they step back, it's late, but they haven't paid attention. As in a bubble, out of time.

Kevin pulls back, still hesitant, awkward and he wants- he wants nothing more than to keep him a little more time by his side, just a little.

— Stay ?

And it's almost a prayer.

— Only if you want me to.

The Danish voice has become unmistakably hoarse. A little broken. Wave of emotions in the air, for both of them.

Nico grabs his guest's hand and places a soft, simple kiss on it.

— I will always want you, he whispers.

These words.

The ones they never dared to admit to themselves and, hell, he still has no mark but he's ready to believe in soulmates. He is ready to believe it. Only if Kevin is his.

Because that's how it should be, that's how he should feel, as he lies down with the pilot in his arms, pressed to his chest. This is how it should always be.

This comfort. This feeling.

His home.

And while he feels this sense of belonging, what he always wanted, always sought, that has hurt him so much by his absence all these years, he just realizes it.

Why hadn't he see it sooner when it's so blindingly obvious ?

On the top of Kevin's torso, just below his right collarbone, an open triangle on the last corner that-

that taunts him.

He is not a saint, he knows it well. There were all these exchanges with Carlos, teammates or not, these sessions of this comfort, because he knew very well that it would be nothing more. Carlos had his fucking mark too. And he didn't.

As always.

And now Carlos has found his happiness with Lando and if he feels happy for him, because the Sparniard deserves it after all, they spent enough time talking about it for him to know, that still not his bitterness. His loneliness.

He's spent his time seeing people pair up around him, finding their soulmates, and at the moment he sees this mark on the Dane's body, he feels more lonely than ever.

* * *

Time passes and nothing changes and Kevin left his house a little too quickly. It seems to him that they haven't spent enough time together and it's almost overwhelming. His apartment is stuffy and yet-

Yet he always has the impression that the Dane is the only one who can fill the void he feels deep inside him.

How cruel.

He feels sick. He generally feels bad but continues to live. Do the dishes, wash his sheets, erase any traces that could have proved that Kevin was at home. He erases everything so that it stops hurting.

There will always remain, at bottom, this German child, a little strange, who never had any soulmark and who never will.

At over thirty, he knows well that this is something he should have gotten used to. It's a shame he has such a hard time admitting it.

Such a shame.

He keeps going out, looking for someone, anyone. To soothe his loneliness a little, but it always seems compromised.

Marks, marks and marks.

What he doesn't have.

He would like someone to be his.

Good god, he would like someone to be his.

* * *

In 24 hours a lot can happen and honestly Nico finds himself driving again. It's incredible. He is back. For one or two races, that's for sure, but he's there anyway. He's there in the paddock.

His race ends before it even starts and it's quite disappointing and he hopes he has time to do at least one before setting off again and finding himself without a seat or occupation again.

And his train of thought goes by so fast that there is almost no knock on his door. Which is quite funny for him. He feels dizzy. His body is a little sore. The comeback is tough but it seems to be worth it enough.

Kevin behind the door. He saw how his race ended.

— What are you doing here ? You shouldn't be here with the standards and all that ...

He mumbles these words because there is what they have to do and what he wants to do. Two totally different things and the Dane doesn't even listen to him as he quickly enters his driver room, closing the door behind them.

— I was with you not so long ago.

The audacity in his eyes. He can't help but smile and he doesn't know who takes the first step but soon they find themselves in each other's arms. Like a magnet. 

— That sucks eh.

— But at least you came back. You are here. 

— Not for that long.

— I can enjoy your compagny for at least another week.

He raises an eyebrow but Kevin doesn't see it, having stuffed his face into his neck. He would have expected more resentment, more anger from the younger one and in view of the end of the race he had, it surprises him to see him so ... calm.

They hold each other for a while. More time than he would have thought but also less time than he would have liked. He himself feels strangely appeased. It's so different.

When he pulls back, the other pilot struggles to let go and a strange atmosphere floats between them. Particular. He can't say he doesn't feel it coming, but he has difficulty resisting it, being against it.

Kevin comes forward and kisses him without hesitation. It's a bit awkward, he has to adjust, too big, they hardly avoid their noses coming into contact. He closes his eyes after a few seconds, once they've found the perfect angle.

It's hard enough to describe but-

He feels like he can finally breathe. A burning sensation. Love, probably. He loves his mate more than he should. He loves him too much, he loves him too much and that really hurts. 

He tries to concentrate on all the different sensations he feels, he tries to memorize the contact of the lips against his, a little fleshy, the beard against his skin, the hands; one on his shoulder, the other on his waist. 

He doesn't want to forget, he wants to remember it correctly. This reminder of the day the man he loved was his, even briefly. That day when he belonged to him, when he belonged to a place, to someone, even for a few seconds.

Because Nico never forgets his current situation, their situation. He doesn't forget that Kevin isn't, never will be his, so he would like to remember those moments, even just a little. Keep a piece of paradise, of romance at the corner of the lips.

The Danish withdraws, a smile on his lips shining, which melts as soon as he sees his face. He can't blame him, he knows he has tears in his eyes.

— Nico ?

— Go, he says and his voice is hoarse. Fuck off. Now.

— Nicolas ? I don't understand-

— Are you deaf ? Go away !

He pushes the younger one hard but his push is weak. Kevin pulls back in disbelief, a crumpled look on his face.

— Nico ! You can't do that, please listen ...

— I can do it very well, on the contrary.

He slams the door in the face of the other pilot before slipping against it. He clutches his face in his hands, frustrated when he feels tears rolling down his cheeks. Sobs pass his lips.

He is so tired of not being able to find happiness.

He is so tired of not belonging to the standards of this world, of not having a soulmate. Everything would be easier if he had one.

He would have liked to be able not to worry about it, to meet the right people and to blow this company, fate, in the air. He would have liked to do a lot of things, he would have liked to find a durable seat in f1.

But the truth is, he fell in love with Kevin Magnussen.

Irritable. 

The fall will probably be fatal to him but now that he has started it he has nothing to hang on to and it's only one more weekend, one week, and after that he may very well avoid Kevin even more easily than before.

Even if-

Even if he still has the idea of coming back. He can't forget this sport which made his life for so long. A heady traveling companion, a refrain that never leaves his head.

He will always give more thoroughly, hoping to forget the brevity of the moment.

* * *

It's over.

Well, contracts ... which were offered to him, discussions, but for the moment, he is finished. Season ended. A race. Maybe it's not so bad considering he shouldn't have done it at all. He always wants more.

Return to go change, pack up his things. Good race ?

It did him good; it kind of cleaned up his thoughts. Changed his ideas. He may have felt more ... less cramped, out of the way. For a moment, surrounded by mechanics or alone in his car, he was quite himself again. Without any other parasitic idea coming to him. 

He avoided Kevin all weekend, not quite sure whether or not Kevin wanted to talk to him. Maybe he's got some ideas. Maybe pushing him away like that was enough and, on the other hand, he hopes not. He always hopes that we surprise him. Let Kevin surprise him.

He still has too much hope for his reality. 

His very first that followed him a little too long was that a soulmark would eventually appear on him. He doesn't even look anymore, doesn't search frantically like before because he knows very well that it doesn't work like that.

That it's not for him.

Fate laughs at him in so many ways and he always has to contend with it, no choice. He lives with what he has and inevitably he lives as he sees fit. Following the vagaries, trying to make his own way through the desert.

He hates this feeling. The feeling that everything escapes him and that everything will end up on the ground, no matter how hard he puts it.

He puts on his jeans, is still searching for his t-shirt when his door opens, and he's about to scold the person when he finds out it's Kevin. He blinks, not knowing what to do.

— What ... What are you doing here ?

The Dane wrinkles his nose.

— I had to come back, right. You are so stubborn but so am I and want an explanation.

Nico steps back, leans against the edge behind him. With a firm hand. He swallows, not daring to look the pilot in the eyes. He didn't expect him to come. He hoped so, didn't think it was possible.

— I don't see what you're talking about.

— Really ?

Kevin steps forward but he can't move back further, cornered against the back of the room. He fears what will happen.

— You and I are linked and you can't deny it, Nicolas. You necessarily feel this attraction between us, our relationship is strong, so I don't understand why you rejected me like that. Stop denying the inevitable, we were made to be together.

— No.

The youngest one freezes, his determination less ardent to hear this answer. Misunderstanding.

— How's that, no ? Nico, please. Nico, I want to be with you, why do you keep running away from me ? I'm-

— Because I don't want to suffer more okay ?

It bursts into the room and he feels pathetic. Pitiful. His throat tight. He might let go of those feelings again but doesn't want to. He tries to resume in a more calm tone.

— I know that- I know that you have a soulmark, I saw it. It taunted me, it made me regret loving you because I know it will never work, it will never happen. I don't have a soulmark, Kevin. Since childhood. I have nothing, I don't belong to anyone. I'm so- ... so lonely, I ...

A sob passes his lips, he closes his eyes. 

— Oh, Nico ... my handsome Nico ... you didn't realize it, did you ?

Kevin approaches him, he hears him coming, then a slight rustle and he feels the Dane's fingers brush the top of his chest, just below his right collarbone.

— Right there, the pilot whispers. Just here. The proof that you are mine and that I am yours.

He opens his eyes a little violently and Kevin traces the outline of a precise mark. An open triangle in the last corner. His lip quivers.

— I don't understand ... I never had anything ... 

He melts into the embrace offered to him, he doesn't know what else to do. It makes him feel so good. He can't believe it, yet. He was so lonely, he's always been so lonely and ...

And Kevin found him.

— I love you too, Nico. I love you and you don't have to doubt it for a second. I always knew it was you.

— I wanted it to be you.

His partner, good god his soulmate, places a light kiss on his mark and he feels himself tremble in front of so much sweetness. He never believed he deserved so much. He never believed he could have so many.

He feels like he's repeating himself.

He feels like his worries aren't worth as much attention because can't he just be happy ? It's a lot of a sudden.

— Are you sure you want me ? he whispers against his companion's neck.

The latter stops, stepping back slightly, a question marked in the back of his eyes.

— Why not ?

— There is this whole system ... and the injuries that can be done. Are you sure you want me when we could hurt each other ?

— I take the risk. Widely. I don't understand, I ... you seem so unsure about this.

— Kevin, it's been ... more than thirty years that I am outside of all this. I don't know what to do, I've waited so long.

The Dane quickly shakes his head and kisses him, it's light, just enough for their lips to touch and recognize each other. He rocks in the contact more than he would like. Kevin grabs his hand.

— I want you, Nicolas Hulkenberg. Really. You are my soulmate and, it's true, we will probably have a hard time but that won't erase anything. I want to be in your life and I want you to be in mine. I've been looking for you for so long ...

Nico almost forgot. This reminder, his first name. He might not have any symbol, but Kevin did. Kevin looked for that missing part, the one that would fill that void deep inside him. He also searched.

The grip on his hand tightens and he meets his gaze. Something in particular. Emotions that swarm there.

— I was hoping it was you or rather ... or rather I had the intuition that it was you. When 2020 arrived and you were no longer there and we had nothing fixed I just thought ...

The pilot swallows.

— Thought I had to do something, anything. Everything to see you again. So yes, I love you, Nico, and no, I'm not ready to leave you, not after finally finding you.

Tears roll down his cheeks. The fatigue of the day is fatal to him. His barriers collapse and Kevin's mouth, which finds his own, comes to give him a smile in the midst of sobs. This is where he wants to be, this is where he always wanted to be.

— You know I won't be here next weekend ?

They are panting. Body against each other. An expectation that was rewarded, finally one. He tells himself that it isn't worse, that he doesn't regret it if it's for this kind of results.

— It doesn't matter, I think I would always find my way to your door.

Breath cut, voice hoarse. A look that crashes into his again. Determination, love. The loneliness that is dissipating, finally.

— Because after all how could I lose sight of the road that leads me to you.

**Author's Note:**

> Argh. This ending is cheesy but I loved writing in a different context with someone that never had a soulmate and the destiny stepping in the story.
> 
> Obviously, Nico was perfect for this role. I set up the story in the 2020 season, it was the easiest for me there. I had this in mind, I just had forgotten a bit the extern relationship I created ... due to the gap between this part and the one before ... but we go on with what we have ! 
> 
> I hope you liked this story which is probably the last part of this series.
> 
> tumblr : laeana


End file.
